Cannot Let Go
by Angelique loves books 56
Summary: Alec is having quite a difficult time letting Magnus go. This fiction starts at Alexander and Magnus' breakup scene in COLS and continues on to COHF and what I believe should happen. Die hard Malec shippers unite! please R&R- recently redone to be more canon. Mild boy warlock action, cursing- nothing major and a whole lot of angst. May be more than a two shot if you all review! ;)
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note:  This is my first FanFiction, and I seriously hope you guys enjoy! Feedback is always welcome- comments are the food of life. Are there any fellow Malec shippers out there? Let us unite and bring Malec back together in City of Heavenly Fire! Angst is always fun to write, but if my readers like this chapter, fluff may ensue. I'll be damned before I let Cassie Clare ruin our otp! I still love her though.

Disclaimer:  As much fun as owning the Mortal Instruments would be… it's all Cassandra Clare's.

Cannot Let Go- Chapter 1

Alec Lightwood couldn't believe what was transpiring. Unlike his typical self, he was nearly _begging_ on his knees on the unused tracks of the abandoned subway station; "Magnus! Please… Don't! Don't you _dare_ go! It's not what you think-"

The beginnings of hot tears pricked those beautiful blue eyes that Magnus loved, no matter how hard said Shadowhunter tried to suppress them, as he had his entire life. _ Alec Lightwood doesn't cry. _But one day he had to. Simultaneously- his reserves came crashing down with a choked sob and his warlock, Magnus, paused in his act of walking away. Fighting for control of his body, Alec knelt down in the exact spot where his longtime boyfriend had just broke up with him and told him to pack his clothes at their apartment and leave his key on the table.

_Magnus won't let me explain. The only reason I wanted to meet Camille here at this subway station is that I want him to be mortal and live with me or make me immortal, at least, so we can live without fear of her ruining everything because she's Magnus' ex. She's the only one I can talk to, the only one who had once loved Magnus besides me who's alive now and knows how to navigate loving him. _He was struck with a wave of self-loathing at how selfish he sounded.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood." Magnus turned around with a grim, strained voice. _Holding back tears too_ Alec observed_, but he sounds so emotionless, reserved. I've never heard him mad like this._

"Please. I love you so much. I'll do anything. Just _don't_ leave me. Let me explain...-" The mature Shadowhunter was now sobbing unreservedly; he felt as if the world was _crashing down upon him_.

"I don't want to leave you. _Trust me_. You don't need to explain, I know you want me to be mortal with you; I would do anything to grow old and die with you in my arms: but this is unacceptable. You cannot try to shorten my life.

"*I'm tired of being your pet warlock and you and your friends using me solely for my magic. I don't like you conspiring against me, no matter how good your intentions are. " His looking back at his sobbing lover was his undoing; he crossed the distance between them to grab his boyfriend's chin in his hand and gently wipe Alec's tear away with his thumb.

"I love you too. I love you oh so much that I want to end this before either of us gets hurt." A single tear fell from Magnus' gold-green cat eye. "I need you to tell me something, Alexander Lightwood. Please tell me that you will live without me. That you'll move on."

Alec was astounded when he said that. Angry even. He felt rage surge through himself, but kept it slightly under the surface- he was crying, after all. "I…I can't promise that, Magnus. You're the only one…The one man who makes me feel…Special. Loved. Happier than I've ever been"-

"Stop. Alexander, stop. "Magnus said this softly, almost as a whimper. He looked positively miserable, and all Alec could do was resist the urge to wipe the black mascara away which was smudging his eye and kiss him with all his might.

Alec bit his lip, tasting coppery blood, and abruptly stood up, breaking out of Magnus' grasp. His anger was finally seeping through.

"Stop what? _You're_ the one who's breaking up with me! Magnus, seeing the fury in Alec's deep blue eyes, yelled. "Dammit, Alexander, I'm trying to do what is best for _us_!"

"Why? Why can't you just be content with what we have and forgive me?" He was gasping, barely able to breathe or contain his salty tears.

The blue eyed man gasped when he saw just how upset Magnus was. Sparkly blue bursts of magic fire exploded out from between his clenched fingers. The fire died quickly. "Because I'm selfish! I love you! I want you all to myself and I don't want you to die and leave me! I'm afraid, Alec! But what you did was unforgivable." Magnus' tears were falling freely now. "Dammit! I love you Alexander and that will be my downfall." He crossed the small distance between them in mere seconds; Alec could see the blue glitter sequins on his jacket shimmer.

Giving him no time for second thoughts, Alec grabbed for the warlock's spiky multicolored hair and wrapped his arms around Magnus. The outspoken man with the cat eyes responded by touching his lips to his Shadowhunter's lips and pulling him closer. Slowly, but surely they kissed with all the built up passion, anger, and sadness from their conflict. Their lips were rough, yet somehow gentle against each other. Magnus made an animalistic growling noise in the back of his throat as he experienced Alec's passionate kiss that he was only beginning to respond to. Magnus used his fingers to brush his Alec's fresh tears away with lover's tenderness, madness forgotten for now.

"Alec"-

Said Shadowhunter cut his boyfriend off, tears partially dry. They held each other at arm's length. "See Magnus? See?" He said gesturing about them and their kiss. "How can you destroy this powerful a love?"

"Alexander. I see what you mean, I assure you. But this doesn't change anything, hardly. It definitely will not change the way I love you."

Backhandedly, the warlock wiped away the water in his eyes and simultaneously broke out of their embrace. With a look of underlying confliction, Magnus backed away gradually; he was still facing Alec as he did so, with his hands outstretched as if to say _there's no other way to solve this._

In a resolved voice, Magnus spoke, "I don't ever want to see you again, or any of your friends. It'll be too hard. You can say goodbye to Chairman Meow when you arrive to pick up your things"-

"No. I will not let you do this. I will not- no cannot- let you go." He rushed up to Magnus, who was almost to the subway station's iron stairs.

Alec's hand, full of runes that were tattooed across his whole body, latched onto Magnus' button down black undershirt that was only a thin secondary layer of clothing covering his boyfriend's lean body. Alec was freezing: wintertime was no help to the warlock either- his skin was icy to the touch. The warlock, with immortal's strength that met its match with that of the black clad Shadowhunter, tore free of his Alexander's grip with a grunt. "You are only making this harder, Alexander. You need to let go..."

"No!" Alec's voice was firm in its resolution

"Just remember that I love you and that will never, ever change. After all, I _am_ immortal," he pointed out bitterly. Magnus whirled around and strode into the bleak, cobwebbed blackness that was the subway tunnel-resolute in stride. "Aku cinta kamu."Magnus said without turning.

*"What does that mean?"

"It means I love you. Not that that changes anything."

This time he didn't stop.


	2. Chapter 2

Cannot Let Go- Chapter 2

Valediction- By Seamus Heaney

Lady with the frilled blouse

And simple tartan skirt,

Since you have left the house

Its emptiness has hurt

All thought. In your presence

Time rode easy, anchored

On a smile; but absence

Rocked love's balance, unmoored

The days. They buck and bound

Across the calendar

Pitched from the quiet sound

Of your flower-tender

Voice. Need breaks on my strand;

You've gone, I am at sea.

Until you resume command

Self is in mutiny.

From the beginning of time, people, magical or not, have taken memories for granted. They never seem to appreciate them until the people in them are gone. Memories can be poignant, passionate, and full of heartache or misery and all sorts of emotions multiplied by a million, and they still aren't enough. Alec's memories of Magnus were pushing him towards the breaking point and the incessant flow of them wouldn't stop. They were driving him _mad._

Alec screamed.

After what had seemed like hours, Alec shifted from his crouched position on the tracks with only one thought: _I am going to kill Camille._ He dried his tears, pushing away the images of Magnus that threatened to throw his very soul into mutiny. His blue eyes flickered like a gas burner's flame as only a murderous thought could produce.

Part Two

Maureen had delivered the shocking news to Alec- Camille was dead- Maureen herself, only a young vampire, had killed her. She was now the leader of the clan- as per ritual and Alexander, with his emotions still fresh, left the empty old subway tunnel once Maureen flitted away.

_Where can I go? I can't face Magnus any time soon- even though he said he would be out all day. _

_No, not the Institute. Mom and Dad already hate me. They are still miserable and fighting over Max._ Alec was struck with a jolt of pain at the mention of his dead brother._ And Izzy…..Jace. What would they think? _He was just as self-conscious as ever, no matter how much he denied it. He ached for the approval of his family. This disappointment would be too much to bear for them.

Unknowingly, Alec had reached the area of the City Hall station where the ceiling was vaulted and allowed light into the abandoned region. This is where he had met Camille all those times ago- to discuss Magnus, love, and relationships in general. This is where he had come to meet her one last time and refuse her offer to help him turn Magnus mortal- where Magnus had broken up with him.

He put his arms around himself and slowly began to enter the glaring sunlight of the New York winter afternoon, his feet leading him to who-knows-where…

The paved sidewalks were hard on his feet and the wind slowly freezing him in his jacket as Alexander Gideon Lightwood neared the door of Magnus' loft: which they had been sharing for some time now. Alec fished the keys out of the pocket of his pea coat, shivering, and tentatively opened the door. His feet felt detached from the rest of his body when he stepped up the familiar steps which creaked with age. At Magnus' door, Alec swiftly unlocked it, and was greeted by a blast of warm air that smelled like incense. _Like Magnus_.

He heard a yowling noise attempt to split his eardrums, looking down to see that his heavily booted feet were on a white tail. Not just any tail. Chairman Meow's tail. He jerked his foot up as said cat sprinted away towards its empty food bowl.

_Magnus always feeds Chairman before he leaves _Alec thought incredulously. Closing the door behind him, Alec walked over to the hurt feline and petted its head. The Chairman hissed at Alec and looked over to his empty bowl with an unspoken gesture._ Fix this_ the cat seemed to say. The Shadowhunter set the keys on the kitchen counter and poured the cat some food and drink.

Alexander attempted to bring up the stamina to pack, but couldn't. For the first time in ages, he felt genuinely _tired_. He opened the door to his' and Magnus' bedroom and set himself on the canary yellow blanket, glancing around.

Pictures of the two of them were everywhere: of them in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, snuggling with The Chairman on the couch, one on the vanity of them kissing outside the Institute when he thought he would never see Magnus again- that one made him miserable. His eyes began to well up. Before it could go any farther, he went into the adjacent bathroom and splashed water in his red-rimmed eyes. _I can't go back to the Institute like this. I cannot. Even if I could face going back there, they can't see that I've been crying. They would ask questions. Too many questions I can't answer._

_Magnus said earlier that he would be out all night. I can sleep here and pack my things in the morning. _ Changing into black pajama bottoms, Alec turned out the lights and pulled himself under the covers. Sleep didn't come easy for him, and it came with the promise of Magnus ridded nightmares, demons of a different sort: the ones that hounded him with painful memories until he begged for mercy, their red eyes turning green-gold and their hair sparkly, their clothes blindingly polychromatic. He wanted to die.

In one of the never-ending dreams that ate at his mind, Alec found himself with a note in his hand telling him to stab an unidentified hooded form with his seraph blade. Alec was powerless in this dream- powerless from stopping himself from jabbing the blade into the shape- who emitted a loud cry of pain. Alexander lifted the hood off it, revealing a familiar face: Magnus. The dream twisted in its blackness in and out of focus until it spotlighted on a scene: Magnus and Alec kissing passionately, always trying to get closer, to entwine themselves further, and some force consequently forced them apart.

Alec rolled in the sheets, screaming in agony, still within his dream.

"Alec."

Who belonged to this glorious voice? Alec wanted to know, yet he was still far too deep in the currents of his dream to wake.

"Alec." He felt a hand on his shoulder and jerked upright.

"Magnus?"

Author's Note: Aww, it's a cliffy! Sorry my first reviewer, they're not ready to make up just yet. There has to be angst before fluff, and the next chapter will be unpredictable. Thanks for the support!


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